I know that being confident in yourself is such a powerful, beautiful thing. It shows others that you love who you are, that you trust yourself, and don't let others bring you down. Yet this concept is extremely hard to learn and retain.
Throughout my life, I have had been told that I am fat. I carry most of my weight in my stomach genetically. I knew that no matter how many sit ups I did that I will always have a pudge. Yet family members and classmates constantly put me down about my weight.
One traumatic experience was actually at Girl Scout camp when I was in 7th grade. A girl I was camping, who also happened to be a classmate of mine, with decided to get all the other campers to go against me. They would throw rocks at me, ask me if I was pregnant, and made sure to find a way to put down my appearance at all times. I cried almost every night at camp and almost went home.
At one point of my life I lost a lot of weight. Family members began telling me for the first time that I looked good and healthy. I was barely eating at the time without realizing it. Having probably about 1,000 calories a day while being an active high schooler. The satisfaction of compliments made me have a new feeling that I wasn't as ugly as I have been told my entire life.
During my college years I actually did not gain a lot of weight. I gained some my sophomore year and a little senior year but that was it. Yet during this time anytime I gained any weight, I began thinking of how ugly and fat I was beforehand (which I actually wasn't) and became extremely depressed. I thought no guys would want to date me if I was fat.
The funny thing is that this entire time I have been in my weight range, in fact I was below average in my weight range for my tall frame. I just perceived myself as being overweight because it was what I was told my whole life.
"I, Samantha, will always carry weight and that's perfect!"
I must accept myself for who I am, the way my body carries weight. The way my body is shaped is still beautiful even if I don't look like Barbie. I am me; silly, sexy, a wonderful weirdo and I know that there is someone out there that is totally into that. Relationships are not determined by your weight but rather your personality and the way you carry yourself. Guys are into girls who love who they are and project their confidence onto others. I know that now. I still have my days where I don't feel beautiful and I want to hide me and my body in a corner where no one can see me. Guess what... that's okay.
I started off this blog with a girl crying. This is because the road to confidence is truly mentally exhausting. Going over hurdles that society and yourself have created for is not meant to be an overnight transformation. I have spent hours crying over wishing my body was different, pissed at myself thinking I did something wrong. But I didn't. Instead I decided to work on my confidence, start wear clothes that I feel gorgeous in, makeup to show off my creative and colorful side. I will continue to fall and get back up.
I am alive, I should love the life I was given.
Comments